I've been questioning lately if I'm becoming numb to emotion. If I can still love like I used to. Care about anything as deeply as I did when my children were young, my family was growing, my career was budding.
Tonight I think I know the answer.
I haven't cried like this, or feared deep loss like this, since my mother was dying.
But that was my mother. This is my child.
I simply can't bear the thought of losing Luke.
I don't know how parents of terminally ill children get through such heart-wrenching times. I have a full-grown, 19-year-old, healthy son and I will be crying myself to sleep tonight at the thought of what just happened becoming something much worse.
I just watched Luke get clocked during a basketball game and slam to the ground. Nothing broke his fall. Just his head.
I was watching the game in my cubicle before anchoring the 10pm news, during which I often report terrible stories about concussions, accidents, falls, and beatings. I've heard too many times the deadly brain hemorrhages that can follow such head trauma. Luke's injury sent me into a tailspin.
After witnessing my reaction to his fall, my sweet producer told me not to worry about doing the newscast. I knew I could pull it together and clean up enough to do the show. No one would know. After all, Luke was able to stand up and walk off the court. Sure, he looked out of it. He wobbled. But he did stand up and walk.
But I knew what would likely happen. Our 10pm news has a sportscast in it. I'd have to see that video all over again. This was the semi-finals of the N.I.T. tournament against Stanford, for the chance to play at Madison Square Garden. When ESPN replayed the incident right after it happened, I think I screamed. I don't remember. I pretty much lost it. If I had to watch that again on-air?
I took my producer up on her offer and allowed myself to sit this newscast out.
I've been crying off and on ever since.
Tonight I sit here on my living room couch, fearing the worst....what happens if? My husband is in California and says Luke is talking. He is repeating the same questions over and over, but Frank assures me he'll be okay. I am praying, pleading to God that I don't have to let go of my child tonight or tomorrow or any day while I'm still on this planet. You just don't know with brain injuries. I am typically a positive, hopeful person. But the thought of losing my son? I can't imagine it. The pain I'm feeling right now is almost too much for me to bear.
For all of you parents who've endured such a loss...I am just so, so sorry. There are no words that will ever provide the peace or comfort you must so deeply crave. My heart is breaking for you tonight.
I don't ever want to forget that. Or lose compassion for you. I don't ever want to read another news story and not feel deep sympathy for the families affected by the personal, devastating losses we report.
I guess I'm not so numb after all.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I don't want to embarrass the kids or get them in trouble (any more than I already have).
I don't want to divulge any station secrets or affect my reputation as a news person.
Yet I want to be authentic, relatable. Right?
Isn't that what a blog should be?
I keep sitting down to type and end up erasing every thought...out of fear. It's no fun living this way.
So I've decided to type a few of the random thoughts and feelings I've had these last few weeks. And then I want to hear YOURS. Deal?
Tracy's Random Thoughts
1. I feel gross. This winter has just about destroyed my energy, desire, and ability to stay active. I have spent entirely too many mornings curled up on the couch in my leopard PJ's, reading and watching "Love It or List It" before work. I finally got to the gym today, and I'm determined to get back to my old self and out in the sunshine (once it decides to visit Nashville).
|Not a fan of dreary, cold days|
2. My kids' happiness or lack thereof affects me so deeply, that I think something is wrong with me. I mean seriously...what's the deal...they are all doing well. But when they have any kind of struggle or emotional difficulty, I want to run and fix it. And this past year has brought difficulty I've/we've never encountered before. It sucks.
|Good times cuddling on the last Kornet road trip|
3. I am still having trouble feeling consistently happy. I'm on a stinkin' emotional rollercoaster most of the time. I still find myself missing the life I lead pre-move: the laughter, love, and the music. Yes, I now live in Music City, and I still miss the music.
4. I need some new nude heels for 2015. I'm excited to see what Antonio Melani or Gianni Bini has in store for us this year.
5. Joyce Meyer's "Confident Woman" and Angela Thomas' "Stronger" are awesome daily devotionals.
|Great study. Thank you, Kimberly, for the suggestion!|
6. I can't wait to read Amy Poehler's book, but I have yet to allow myself to splurge on it.
7. My eyesight is fading so quickly, I may have to upgrade from the 1.25 readers to the 1.50 soon. Don't be a hater, folks. It's still a royal pain in the butt. And I now understand why my grade school friends' moms never spotted those nasty chin or upper lip hairs when they drove us in carpool. They couldn't see them.
8. I love my little cubicle. Pictures of my friends and family make me very happy.
9. Water, coffee, and red wine are just about the only liquids I drink. Which means Crest White Strips have become a necessary chaser!
10. I'm extremely grateful for Dillard's. The Nashville store at Green Hills Mall sponsors my wardrobe. I have loved their clothing lines for years, and I'm honored to wear something shiny and new almost every single day. I don't want to ever take this luxury for granted.
I am even more grateful for that help when I don't feel fat!
Okay, folks. It's your turn!
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