The Sun Will Rise Again

I got a late-night text from a ghost-writer friend in Dallas last night.
I haven't seen her in at least 4 years.
She sent me a link to an old blog post of mine with the message, "Keep writing."

I said I would. But I didn't.
Instead, I went on a sugar binge in front of the tv and barely woke up to take my ailing dog in for his 7:10am surgery.

I did make it to the vet.
I put on clean clothes and a smile to drop off Copper.
But then I came home, crawled into bed, and slept until noon.

This is not normal.

I've been feeling this way for awhile now.

As I look outside my kitchen window, thick black clouds are crawling across the sky.
A beautiful storm is brewing.
A few raindrops dot my window.

I so want to stay home today.

I am here alone.
Sometimes I enjoy this me time.
It gives me a chance to read, study, go to yoga, have coffee with a friend.
Clearly, I did none of that today.

I asked my daughter this week if she has ever felt that people didn't like her.
Like she just didn't fit in.
A square peg in a round hole kind of thing.

She's no dummy.
She knew those questions were more about her mother's state of mind.

These questions are not the stuff you post on social media.
Only happy pictures and positive thoughts belong there.

While I do believe in the "choose joy" and "focus on the positive" mantras,
I have to wonder if the constant suppression of life's difficulties is doing a major injustice to our psyches.

What's swimming around my mind as I type this?

My college friend a few miles away who just had a double mastectomy and her birthday's tomorrow.
My father-in-law who's fighting for his life in the hospital, while his ailing wife misses him at home.
My husband's daily struggle cleaning up the blood bath that is my dog and his tumor--Frank at his wit's end.

And then there's me and my job, trying to navigate the changes in the television news industry at large...my constant need for stimulation and growth...and the gnawing restlessness I feel on days like this.

It's not so pretty.

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I just re-read these words. Saved them in a draft in this very blog.

That was one month ago.

Today I write you from my white sofa in my living room, bathed in light on a bright and beautiful Saturday morning.

The windows and white walls are why we chose this place, after living just a year somewhere else, with a lovely, tree-lined backyard and the greatest neighbors.

bye bye colored concrete patio

adios lights Frank so lovingly hung for wine nights

ciao bella foyer 

au revoir stealth powder room under the stairs

I needed more sunshine.

My daughter is sleeping upstairs, her final 4 days before she moves back to California to start her new life.

I feel happy. Content. Grounded in faith and excited about the future: kids' weddings, weekend trips, birthdays, and a cool thing brewing academically.

And Copper is healed!

It's been just a few weeks.

Total change of mindset.

Isn't this just how life goes? Ups and downs. Joys and disappointments.

If we could all just remember that not every day is a grand finale, that the roller coaster will soon go back up.

It's the stuff we tell our kids but forget to embrace as adults.

Tomorrow the sun will rise again.

Frank's Old Kentucky Home

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I feel a need to issue a public service announcement to all of my fellow and future empty-nesters who, like me, may feel lost, devastated, or knocked off-kilter with their kids graduating high school and/or going off to college:

Your kids aren't going away for good! They really do come back! Often!

Trust me, they'll come around when they need your help moving!

They might even spend so much time on your couch and in your fridge, that you neglect all of the people, places, and positive habits you created to help you cope with life without them--and you wish you had some me time!

We've certainly had some big moves this summer.

My dashing son John officially closed on his very first home two weeks ago.

We settled him in, lined his shelves, organized his closet.

More importantly, he absolutely LOVES what he does (and his world's best boss) at Stephens, Inc. in Little Rock. I am SO happy for and proud of my first-born son! (If you're looking for a new investment guy, you must meet with Bentley's team.)

Luke just officially moved to New York to start his second year as a newly signed New York Knick.

He drove away in his packed Camry with nothing but a mattress and a leased apartment awaiting him. He's getting married in exactly one year.

And then there is my precious Nicole. My statuesque, bubbly, joyful lightning bug about to start her official climb up & through the music business. If you haven't read her blog about this amazing opportunity, here you go.

Nicole and I have spent the whole summer together, and I blame her for several significant, new smile lines and crows' feet.

we were bored

don't ask

And yay, Accutane is officially OVER!

I will miss pulling in to my driveway at 11pm and seeing her doing lunges down the street. I will miss her cuddles on the couch with my watching my favorite HGTV shows. I will miss her over-sharing of personal hygiene and health ailments.

I may even miss the open conversations about marriage and religion and healthy sexuality. Wow. That girl is not afraid to talk about anything with her mother, brothers, and father!!!!

She leaves Wednesday. I already booked a flight to see her the following weekend. (Don't judge. I promised to settle her into her very first, teenie-tiny, Los Angeles apartment. And fix her car. Again.)

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So there you have it. The kids are officially grown ups. And I am officially still their mother and always will be.

Last night Nicole and I watched Disney's High School Musical movies until 3am. She was choking back tears the whole time.

The full-circle moments were not lost on me.

All of those middle-school car rides jamming to Zac & Vanessa. Dancing in her bedroom. The crushes, sleepovers, and sobbing sessions.

So. Much. Love.

God willing, this is only the start of a lifetime more.